They say, it takes courage to leave someone you love for the goodness of your heart and soul. These past few months, I’ve been struggling a lot. Wondering if it’s still worth holding on and worth fighting for. Wondering If it’s still the pill I needed for the emptiness of my heart. I’ve been told that it is a trap. That it is a poison for my lonely, and sad boring life. But I didn’t budge and for the hundredth time I failed myself, I still chose to follow the command of my heart. Turned out, it caused me much pain more than what I expected. I should never trust my decision when it comes to loving. Never. I’m not in my usual self for months now and the consequences of my actions are still haunting me even in my dreams. I became distant to God. I lose interest in everything. In writing, in reading, in keeping in touch with my old friends. I am slowly…. slowly drifting away from everything I once claimed to love. It became toxic in my heart, up to my brain that gives me this feeling to hurt myself, to hurt people around me,to regret it all, and to end it all. If this is the price I need to pay for loving the person same as my gender, I surrender. But I need to save myself because I am slowly drowning from the unfairness of the world. Just save me.
I’ve decide to broke up with my boyfriend yesterday. It’s not that I dont love him anymore or I can’t picture our life in the future anymore. It’s just that I can’t see the stars on my own set of eyes whenever he’s around. I mean, I could be blind at times, It could have been a mistake, but the heart never goes wrong. Don’t get me wrong, He loves me so much and I can picture him totally devastated the moment I’m out of his life. Sometimes, I wonder, I am selfish?. Can I consider myself as selfish, when I can’t see his efforts anymore?, when he’s always hurting me without his knowledge? When I cry myself to sleep because of the pain? Because I felt that I was an option? Because I felt that I am useless and can’t blame him if he enjoyed his friends company the most?. I dont know what the reason is. I can’t answer his simple question “why?”. My always answer was “I dont know” how can I explain everything when I can’t even fucking understand myself?. I don’t listen to others opinion even though they kept on telling that I deserved better than him, that we’re not fit as a couple, but I still love him regardless of what they’re going to say because at the end of the day, it’s not about them, its not about their fucking opinion. It’s about me, it’s all about what makes me happy. But life is unfair, isn’t it? It’s like the world turned upside down. I can’t see his efforts anymore, I’m always asking for his time, and I’m tired for all those late night fights and maybe the point is, I lose interest whenever I get ignored. I just wanted him to treat me like the first time. The time I can’t stop laughing because of his hilarious gestures and inside jokes. The time when I cant sleep because I kept thinking of him and the nights when I would close my eyes and imagine my future with him in it. I don’t know what happened to him,to me. This situation really really frustrates me. He kept on telling me how much he loves me, but just like the old saying goes “Action speaks louder than words.” I just prayed to God that I did the right decision and I guess it’s time to find myself again, it’s time to pick up my broken pieces because I know deep down I deserved better.
R.I.P efforts ⚰
R.I.P love ⚰